Here are some funny quotes I found, and some of them didn't include authors, so they might not be listed on most of them
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
The road to success is always under construction.
There's TONS more, but I decided to leave it with these. If there are lots of responses, I might add more. 
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