To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height. 
 Dear Dogs and Cats,
 
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other 
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in 
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming 
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
 
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
 Beating me to th e bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help 
because I fall faster than you can run.
 
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry 
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure 
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they 
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other 
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out 
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
 
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by 
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not 
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw 
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the 
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- 
canine or feline atten dance is not required.
 
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
 I cannot stress this enough!
 
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our 
front door:

 To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
 
1. They live here. You don't.
 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who 
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
 1. Eat less
 2. Don't ask for money all the time
 3. Are easier to train
 4. Normally come when called
 5. Never ask to drive the car
 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
 7. Don't smoke or drink
 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

 9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

 And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children