--The below were not written by me.--
A member of America Online called me (a member of the tech support staff for an Internet service provider with no affiliation with AOL) asking what her email address was. After figuring out she wasn't registered with us, I politely pointed out that we were not America Online and she might get a better answer to her problem if she called the American Online support number.
Customer: "Oh, so I should call them?"
Tech Support: "Yes, they will probably be able to help you more than I can."
Customer: "But you're an Internet Service Provider! It says so right here in the phone book! If you don't want to help me fine. Thank you, have a good day." [click] I've gotten these calls before.

Customer: "I've been signed up with your service for over a week, and have not been able to connect even once because of busy signals. If I can't get any better service than that, I'm going to switch to another ISP."
Tech Support: "Hmmm...that shouldn't be happening. We're no where near maxing out our dial up lines. Are you sure you're dialing the right number?"
Customer: "I'm not stupid! I know my own phone number!"

Customer: "I am going to shoot everyone at your DSL office. Where are you located at, anyways?"
Tech Support: "Uh, for security purposes, just like this, our company states we cannot reveal our call center's location."
Customer: "I am filing a complaint against you with the public utilities commission."
Tech Support: "You do realize DSL is not a public utility, right?" Doh!

Customer: "I am having some problems with my email account."
Tech Support: "Who is your Internet provider?"
Customer: "I am not really sure but I think it's 'You've Got Mail'."

Customer: "It's asking me for my username and passport. I don't have a passport!"


This conversation occurred in our tech support chat area:


User: "My modem is broken, and I can't get online with it!!! HELP!!!"
Me: "Does the computer you are using now have the same type of modem as the other computer you tried using before?"
User: "No, I only have one computer. Do I need to have two to get online?"
Me: "No, you're online now."
User: "Wrong. I told you. My modem is broken."
Me: "If you weren't online, you wouldn't be able to talk to me. How did you get online if your modem isn't working?"
User: "I used the CD player, but I'm not getting the sound."
Further discussion revealed that he had bought a CD from us but thought his modem was broken because he was unable to connect without installing the client software. He believed that in an emergency, you could use the cdrom drive instead of the modem because, "They're about the same size." He also thought he ought to be hearing the words he typed, since his computer came with speakers, and the salesman who had sold him the cdrom drive had told him it would play music.
(I've gotten chats like these where customers who are obviously online chatting with you insist they are not online)