Today really wasn't so bad... but somehow, it was.

I got to work from home today, which is great in its way.  But it was also my mom's day off, and I ended up stressing her out,  On Monday night I got four hours sleep and last night I got about the same.  I am so overtired. I have a sleeping disorder. I ended up getting to work half an hour later then I should have, which made my mom irritated with me.  Then I started feeling naucious so I kept taking breaks and lying on the couch for ten or fifteen minutes.  I ended up feeling better in a few hours.  My mom took the phone (we have dial up) and since I was doing the work on the internet, I couldn't work and unintentionally fell asleep. And Mom said "well that was your lunch break." Only I hadn't planned on taking an hour and I didn't have lunch.  But she had decided that that had been my lunch break when she took the phoneline. 

I had been going to cook dinner during my "lunch break" because I had committed to cooking dinner for the meeting at my church tonight.  But I can't let my job down, so I can't take the time to cook then.  So I work and work and then at five, I stop and have to cook it.  I end up being late to church, which wasn't such a big deal but I hate working under such time constraints.  I also had to take a shower and get dressed.  I had gone directly from bed to the computer, since I overslept, so I hadn't even done that stuff.  And since I slept through my lunch break...

Then I go to church.  And it was good, but it was still kind fo like a responsibility, or at least like being in public.  When I get home my parents are tense and hungry, because since I cooked they were waiting for me to bring home the leftovers instead of getting other stuff. Then they both disappeared to destress, but I don't have means of destressing. I'd love to read but I don't have a book right now-- the one I want to read my dad has been reading for over a week and I admit I'm getting impatient. So I'm on here.  Mom suggested I take Sophie for a walk in the yard-- at nine something at night!  And I tried it, but mom came out on the porch, so I didnt' even feel peaceful because I felt "watched" or something.

Basically from the actual moment I woke up until now I've been under stress of work and responsibility, I'm working on two built up days of lack of sleep, and I ended up crying.  And I cried "I want to go home! I want to go back to (my college)!  I want my fiance! I want a place of my own!" and so on.  I miss my college, not school itself I'm glad after 17 years of school to get a break, but living with my friends and having a social life within walking distance.  And my beloved has been missing in action for over a year and I don't know if he's alive or dead. 

I love my parents but we're so different and I just want some space or something.  I don't know. 

I had a winecooler last night to try to help me sleep, but it didn't help. I am exhausted, but I'm not sleepy.  I have several sleep disorders but one of them is "sleep delay phase syndrome" in which my body wants to sleep during the day and not at night.  It's been good for a while, but... it's back to being it's bad self.  So now I'm drinking a Smirnoff ice to destress and maybe I'll fall asleep... Sigh.

It really wasn't so bad but all the stress is built inside and needs a release.  But I don't have a release right now.  I think I was trying-- unconciously-- screaming at my parents.  But of course, that doesn't relieve stress.  It just makes them angry, which makes me more stressed.  I didn't even mean to yell at them, it just came out as bellowing, instead of as a normal tone of voice.