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Ratty Messages
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Recent 'Just Chat'
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You're Not Alone
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Rat-Terrier.com
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Maureen
Firehouse Big Dog
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| 04/24/2008 2:36 PM |
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- I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
- Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
- I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
- I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
- I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
- I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
- Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallon s of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
- I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
- I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet spong e with every envelope that needs sealing.
- Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
- I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
- I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
- I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
- I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
- Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
- Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
- I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
- I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
- I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
- An d thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
- I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
- I no longer receive packa ges from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
- I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
- I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .
- I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
- Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
- And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
- I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
- If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
- Have a wonderful day...
- Oh, by the way.....
- A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
- Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
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Maureen Mom to Abby, Barkley and Reggie..and cat Sarah Jane
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. ~Franklin P. Jones
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Cyrus2007
Newbie
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| 04/24/2008 2:46 PM |
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| HAHAHAHA! I love it!!! |
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dnorton
Obsessed
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justan0therjess
Newbie
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| 04/24/2008 3:03 PM |
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| haha, my mom believes each and every one of those and proceeds to makesure my "lifestyle" doesn't involve any of them.. |
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| You are not authorized to post a reply. |
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ActiveForums 3.7
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