Hello, Welcome to (Company Name)
If you are obsessive-compulsive press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone else to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 & 6
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please stay on the line
so we can trace your call and persecute you.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to
press.
If you are a manic depressive, press whichever number you like, no-one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969696969696.
If you have amnesia, press 8, followed by your date of birth, your social security
number, home phone number, the square root of 1,555,666,777,888 and, your
tax code followed by the atomic number for Uranium.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have BI-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the
beep, for god's sake wait for the beep.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, go away, no one can be bothered to talk to you anyway.